Many men say they feel angry, shut down, or “numb.”
They talk about headaches, chest tightness, or stomach issues instead of sadness or worry. A core reason can be alexithymia. That means trouble noticing and putting words to feelings. It is a well-studied construct in psychology and psychiatry.
What alexithymia is (and is not)
Alexithymia is difficulty identifying and describing emotions. It is not a diagnosis. It is a measurable trait that can show up across many conditions and in the general population. Researchers often use the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20) to screen for it in studies. Screening tools help us understand patterns. They are not diagnostic by themselves.
Studies link alexithymia with higher symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. The “trouble noticing and naming feelings” piece is the strongest driver.
Men appear to score higher on alexithymia, on average, than women in updated reviews. That does not mean all men have it. It does suggest a common barrier for many men trying to explain what is going on inside.
Why it shows up often in men
Cultural messages matter. Traditional masculinity norms discourage emotional expression and help-seeking. Men who internalize these norms are less likely to ask for care, and more likely to frame distress as “I’m fine” or as physical complaints.
How it hides in plain sight
When feelings are hard to name, distress often shows up as:
- Irritability or quick temper
- Overwork and “I just need to push through”
- Physical symptoms and extra medical visits with few answers
- “Nothing is wrong” while sleep, appetite, and relationships change
Research connects alexithymia with higher somatic symptom reports. That means the body speaks when words are missing
First steps you can try this week
You do not have to “be good at feelings” to start. Keep it simple.
- Name two feelings per day. Use an emotion wheel or a short list. One word for the body. One word for the mood. Labeling feelings can reduce emotional reactivity in the brain over time.
- Body check-ins. Three times a day, ask: Where do I feel tension. What happened just before that. Short notes help you see patterns.
- Color-code your day. Green = calm. Yellow = keyed up. Red = overwhelmed. Your goal is not to avoid yellow or red. It is to notice sooner.
- Say it out loud once. Try a plain script: “I feel tense and discouraged. I need a quiet hour.” That is a full feeling statement.
- When to involve a clinician. If anger, shutdown, or physical symptoms are disrupting work, sleep, or relationships, a licensed professional can help you build skills and check for treatable conditions.
Note: the TAS-20 is a research screen. It helps map patterns. It does not diagnose a disorder or replace a clinical assessment.
The cost of silence
Silence has a price. Men who feel pressure to “tough it out” delay care. That increases risks for depression, substance use, and relationship strain. Naming feelings is not soft. It is a health behavior that improves decision-making and connection.
What therapy can look like
Good therapy for alexithymia works at the pace of awareness:
- Build a shared language for body signals and emotions
- Practice simple labeling in session, then in daily life
- Learn regulation skills before tackling hard topics
- Include partners or family when helpful
Early research on affect labeling shows that putting feelings into words can dampen threat responses in the brain. That gives you a little more space to choose your next step.
Local resources in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia
- Western Tidewater CSB — Same Day Access. First-time visits for mental health. Franklin, Suffolk, Isle of Wight, Southampton.
- Region Five Crisis Line: 757-656-7755.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for 24/7 support.
- Emergency: If there is an immediate safety concern, call 911.
If anger, numbness, or “I don’t know what I’m feeling” is getting in the way, you are not alone. There are plain, learnable skills that help.
Ready to start? Request a first-time appointment through Same Day Access.
